Some Russians build flats leaving the toilet till the very end when there’s no space left.  As if they forgot about it and then remembered at the last minute and stuck one in for novelty value and to avoid having to poo out the window on pedestrians - Victorian style (the English invented politeness, see?).  Obviously, shitting in this country isn’t very high on the list of priorities – hold it in, suffer a bit – builds the soul. You know how it goes - Dostoevsky.  Nice bedrooms, functional kitchen with those old-school stools with the screw-on legs, carpet on the wall, bathroom with a washing machine (which empties into the bathtub), hallway full of random slippers and a wardrobe…and with the remaining available space they build a “contortionist toilet” were people have to piss standing on their heads!

Russia’s not a nation of midgets for God’s sake! – what about those huge guys in leather jackets who stand outside metro stations waiting for their girlfriends holding bunches of flowers as if they were baseball bats (“Чё смотрешь-то бл...?!”)?!  Getting one of those “ёб-твою” Sylvester Stalone carpet-draggers to use a midget toilet represents a mathematical impossibility.  They might get the job done but would definitely put their head through the door while wiping.  Small toilets mean tall people have to become amateur contortionists and practice yoga for several months beforehand – twisting their bodies into a variety of clumsy poses like a strange ritual toilet dance.  Then you reach for the flush only to discover it’s hidden in a wallpapered cupboard – it’s a whole world of sanitary enigmas.

-         Where’s the toilet? 

-         Well, the only place we had left was the closet so we fitted the toilet in there.

-         Cool, ok – where’s the light switch?

-         Errr, we put that in a completely random place where you’ll never find it.

-         Nice.  Extreme shitting in the dark – like it.  Got any bog roll?

-         Yes! 54m OF JOY!

There’s a town in Russia called Svetogorsk – a paradise on Earth entirely devoid of skid marks and иносранцы (sarcastic bastards that we are!).  The town’s main attraction is the toilet paper factory where they make enough 54-metre long bog rolls to service the entire country; from posh arty Petersburg rumps to frozen Chukchi bottoms in Sakhalin (I’ve heard they occasionally use baby seals instead and then throw them back in – sometimes puppies…buh, what do you expect? – they get used in all the TV toilet roll ads.  Pure logic.).  Ah yes, the 54m of joy – a bit scratchy but better than Komsomolskaja Pravda (though sometimes KP must be used on principle alone), feels as if it’s recently been peeled off a tree, but gets the job done.  I like that - nice and functional – and above all cheap.  No recycled eco-bum wipe bollocks here my friend…Green Peace? What?! In Rusha ve vill send zose hippies out to forest wiz ze endangered species and shoot zem!  This is hardcore мужик-roll not Western pussy-roll.  Toughens you up – your arsehole’ll be able to handle a direct nuclear strike after using the stuff for a couple of months.  If not you can always use your ring of fire as “a torch for darken stairwells” (as recommended in the rough guide to Petersburg – a quality publication full of fictitious bullshit designed to scare foreigners to death before they even get here).

If caught short in the street people go into MacDonald’s to take what’s commonly known as a “MacShit”.  I always feel sorry for those poor MacDonald’s “conscripts” in badly-fitting black jeans who look a bit mentally retarded – they have to scrub those toilets day and night for 50 kopeks a year under the ever watchful eye of that evil laughing clown with the red hair!  Good thing someone’s shitting on MacDonald’s for a change though – restore the balance a bit – normally they’re shitting on the rest of the world and cutting down all the rainforests to make way for mutant cows (it’s that evil clown with a chainsaw again singing “I’m lovin’ it” in all the world’s languages – “…and the children love him”). ;)

It’s not surprising that people prefer the relatively well-maintained toilets of MacDonald’s for a MacShit because as the guidebook (tourist bible) says: “standards of hygiene in most public toilets are generally low and you’re unlikely to find toilet paper there”.  And if there’s a toilet seat it’s most likely been ripped off and thrown in a corner – so much for being a gent and leaving the seat UP…“Fuck it – just tear the bastard off!” It seems Russians don’t sit down on the job but instead levitate above the toilet bowl like mythical beings or Jesus walking on water.  I’ve never worked out the secret and I’m not exactly going to go around putting cameras in toilets like Chuck Berry (busted!).

The best toilet is in City Bar on Furshtatskaja where they have a sign saying “Don’t put paper or no.2 into the toilet” – which begs the logical question: “Where do you want me to put it then?!”  And all the people in there are walking around like John Waine in a cowboy film – almost feels like a wild west saloon!    

One of the hardest things to get down in Russian is soft sign “ь” – oh, the torture of years and years of going into shops asking for “сол” instead of “соль” – hopeless! And confusing “corner” with “coal” – a travesty!  Foreigners just can’t get the hang of it – “ь” for us is the Russian sign of the Devil himself!  It’s our ultimate downfall.  So, imagine my delight when by chance I happened upon soft sign bog roll with little “ь”s on!  Now finally I’m able to wipe my backside on the evil soft sign “ь” – revenge is sweeeet!