I’ve been reading up on courtship for something I’m writing about Russia and I keep stumbling across marriage agencies and porn sites (What?! Accidentally!).  Do a Google search for anything like “Russian women”, “Russian dating”, “Russian courtship behaviour” and you find XXX this and Siberian lesbian threesome that.  This is not helping my “very rigid scientific” research.  However, I have been enlightened by several, often minimally informative, dating sites which mostly cater for ageing (and often horribly gullible!) American men with plenty of cash. 

What they’re selling is “true love on a plate” – there’s a dating supermarket where blokes with loads of money can walk in and pick themselves a Mrs.  The man gets a wife and the woman gets material stability and a new passport.  It’s a trade-off.  The funny thing is the stereotypes and misunderstandings on the parts of both parties – the foreign men and the Russian ladies.

On one dating site an American shared some indispensable courtship advice:   

“Be sure to take quality gifts of women's clothing (elastic waistbands to help with sizing). Quality clothing serves to heighten a Russian women's self-esteem and brings an inner joy to an outwardly bleak life.”

Inner joy to an outwardly bleak life – hilarious.  Why not simply take her a gun (enough of those in America) as a present instead so she can put a swift end to her unbearable suffering.  Love the bit about “elastic waistbands” too – attention to detail…thoughtful guy – what if your bride-to-be is a big-boned Muscovite…or worse…an undernourished Siberian serf with a waist the size of your wrist!  Elastic trousers – one size fits all!  Like those pregnancy clothes they advertise on the metro which you could drive a bus into.

There are other sites where pissed off Russian women try to level the playing field and “educate” western men about the true nature of the mysterious Russian lady.  Also quite over the top at times but makes humorous reading none the less.  

“Even when there are No Men available these Ladies simply dive into their work and do everything possible to improve themselves both physically and intellectually. This is not to say that they don’t get lonely for the company of a Man because obviously they do. But until that opportunity presents itself they will continue to do their own thing.

And they are fully prepared to keep their heads held high EVEN to the bitter end if needed.”

For some reason throughout the article the woman writes “Man” and “Ladies” with a capital letter – only God gets a capital letter damn you!…us mere mortals have to settle for “m-an/w-omen/p-erson”!  What she writes plays on the Russian suffering thing again…she’s probably Russian Orthodox or reads too much Dostoevsky – “heads held high to the bitter end!”…female comrades marching into battle with the armies of fat potential husbands…with all their cash and receding hairlines. 

The main idea of the rant is to say that Russian women are “not desperate” (which is mostly true), they expect a lot during courtship and respect themselves (also generally true), and they in fact possess a “mysterious power” to seduce men (erm, no it’s not mysterious, it’s called “having tits”).  The author also goes on to attack slanted feminist lesbians in the west who are simply envious of beautiful Russian women (and their newly-acquired elastic trousers!) and feel it necessary to put them down by called them “desperate”.  Snore.

All a very alien world to an Englishman I’m afraid – we’re not very good at this dating lark.  As a rule the English are romantically retarded (sad, but true) – supposedly the most popular place to “pull” in the UK is a nightclub.  Why?  Because it’s dark, you can’t see or hear the other person adequately enough to communicate, and most importantly you’re thoroughly wankered on booze!  So, then if you wake up in the morning next to Frankenstein’s monster you can say “It wasn’t me – I was drunk!” – not guilty Your Honour!